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December 21, 2008 / merlisser

Fight the Humbug!

For some reason, everybody and their Mama is starting to hate one Christmas. Eleanor is losing the spirit. MF never had it (I think he’s lying just to look like a badass for the ladies). There’s even a Bah Humbug club in England.

Back in the day, I used to feel a little blue during the holiday and then I came to resent the holiday. Finally, I have gotten to the point where I can enjoy the thing. Here are some of my tips.

  1. Christmas doesn’t turn crap into gold. Yeah everybody and their mama tells you that Christmas is the time for friends and family. Everybody is supposed to get together and have a jolly old good time. This is all great and all but if your family tap dances on your last nerve: your grandpa is an alcoholic or your aunt is mean and uses you as an emotional whipping girl. None of that is going to change because Jesus was born many years ago. They’re still going to be the same shitheads that they are the other 51 weeks out of the year. Sometimes, you might have to set up some personal boundaries for yourself and limit the time with drunk grandpa and mean aunt if it’s going to harsh your buzz for the entire season.

    That being said, if you have been a jackass to someone and are feeling bad about it. This holiday season does give you the opportunity to extend an olive branch or a peace pipe. It’s not calling people out of the blue for no reason, it’s wishing them well for the holiday season.

  2. Your problems aren’t going to go away just because it’s the seasonIf you’re unhappy,fat, or broke, you’re still going to be unhappy, fat, and/or broke. It’s not going to go away because there’s a tree and some presents
  3. People are not nicer during the holiday season. I don’t know what this peace on Earth, goodwill towards man crap is. Ask anyone who works in retail during the holiday season and they will tell you, “people are still the same greedy shits they are the other 11 months of the year. In fact, the greedy shitness is multiplied.” People are shooting each in Toys R Us over what? A Wii. A Bratz doll? People want to be the hero to their own friends and relatives by bringing them the choice gifts so they can get some applause and standing ovations. They will push, pull, poke, and possibly steal the toy out of your shopping cart. Then they drop fifty cents into the Salvation Army bucket and go home thinking they’re a great charitable human being.
  4. Avoid Christmas music. Here’s the deal. The classical music written by the white haired greats such as Bach, Beethoven, and Brahms, Yeah that stuff rules. BUT the stuff that is produced closer to today, it sucks. The record producers know that you’re only going to play it for the few weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas day. They’re not trying to create a Stairway to Heaven or a Help or even a Hey Ya. They know it’s never going to be a number one single or go platinum so they’re going to put out some crap to get a little change in their pockets and go home. To put it simply, Christmas records are CRAP! Avoid that shit. You’ll hear it enough in stores, on television, and on the radio to purposefully put yourself in a position of listening to it on purpose. It’s crappy music with cheesy lyrics. It, for the most part, is not good music. It sucks. Bad arranging. The singer might be out of tune. Nobody is caring because you’ll listen to it for six weeks and then put it up and listen to it six weeks next year. It’s shitty music. So don’t be tearing out the Christmas music right after thanksgiving and expect to not want to poke your eardrums out to rid yourself of that gawdawful noise because that’s just unrealistic. Avoid the shitty Christmas music. Or write to your Congressman to demand that people release stuff that isn’t certified crap. Also, I think those records will say “I hate myself and want to die” if you play them backwards. Yes I do.
  5. Buy your presents online. People go crazy and they especially go crazy in malls. If you can get your gifts online, you avoid that stuff. Of course, my local Chamber of Commerce is going to send me reindeer crap for this particular item. Nice! Fertilizer for my flowers!
  6. You don’t have to go to every party invited. For some reason, there is this pressure to attend every Christmas party. Do you attend every party you have ever been invited? Seriously, say “No thank you, I have other plans.” It doesn’t matter if those plans are sitting on your couch with your cat watching “Veronica Mars” reruns. If you don’t want to go to that particular party, don’t go! OF course, there is this pressure to be a social maven during the holiday. If you’re not a social butterfly who likes large parties or the particular party is filled with people who will make you lose the little faith you have in the human race, don’t be a martyr for the holiday. Don’t go to the shitty party. Give yourself a present.
  7. Avoid peer pressure Yeah Mary has a thousand Christmas lights with some blow up dolls in her front yard but that doesn’t mean YOU have to do that to your house. In many ways, this could apply to some of the above advice. This goes for gifts. If you can’t afford to buy a Wii, don’t let your kid and your neighbors who are getting one make you feel bad for not buying one. Yeah it sucks but bankruptcy because you can’t pay those credit cards later sucks more. So shake it off. Be the rock star that other people want to emulate. Forget those Joneses, they’re probably all on prozac and in therapy anyway.

So there you go. There is some of my advice to survive the holidays without feeling like pooo!

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7 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. Bellesouth / Dec 21 2008 11:24 pm

    The easiest way i ever did Christmas was the first year I worked on the holiday. I had money, so I went to barnesandnoble.com and bought ALL MY PRESENTS and had them ALL gift-wrapped and shipped to my mom’s apartment so she could distribute them.

    Now I just make my own presents. It’s still kinda stressful but not as much as going to walmart.

  2. Kitty / Dec 22 2008 5:03 pm

    Great post.

    So true about the Christmas music. That’s the thing I probably like the most once it is all over, no more of that crap.

  3. Wendy / Dec 22 2008 10:06 pm

    #4 is exactly why the only times I play Christmas music are when I husband specifically requests it (like when he’s baking) and on Christmas day. That’s it. Here it is, just a few days before the holiday, and I’m still not ready to hear any of that drivel.

    And since when has any song that contains the words “winter,” “holiday,” or “Christmas” automatically a Christmas song? What happened to carolers? We need more carolers fa-la-la-ing through the streets!

  4. Ady / Dec 23 2008 10:35 am

    I love Christmas music! I love Christmas! After Valentine’s Day and Halloween, it’s almost my favorite holiday!
    I want to go caroling…. I wonder if I can get a few friends to join me! 😀

  5. merlisser / Dec 23 2008 10:38 am

    Caroling with old school Christmas carols = good. Listening to a craptastic Faith Hill CD of her singing “Joy to the World”= BAD!

  6. Jo / Dec 24 2008 7:32 pm

    While I like the old Christmas carols, I really hate most of the new pop music Christmas songs, with their nasty arrangements and rhymes of desperation.

    Loved your entry. I’m saving it.

  7. merlisser / Dec 27 2008 12:55 am

    Thanks JO!

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